He’s gonna take you back to the past! To blow these reviews out of his ass! He’d rather have… a crocodile… pin him down and suck on his cock! He’d rather eat… some rotten dog shit…. and drown it down with Rolling Rock! He’s the world’s biggest and greatest cynic! He’s the Angry Video Game Critic! He’s the Angry Video Game… Critic. *Impersonating AVGN* Hello. I’m the Angry Video Game Critic. I have a small penis and like to eat elephant shit for breakfast! Ha ha ha! *Normal voice* Alright, I’m not going to do that voice throughout the entire video. What I am going to do, though, is review a god awful video game based off of a god awful feature film. I’m, of course, talking about the horrors of “Bebe’s Kids”. *Bebe’s Kids (SNES Intro)* For those of you who are fortunate enough to pass this movie up, I’ll give you the premise. The film is about a guy who has to take three bratty kids to an amusement park… as they do nothing but cause trouble and panic. The film was so bad that even the trailer couldn’t make it sound good. I mean, listen to this tagline… “Bebe’s Kids! It’s animation…” *high five* And that’s about all they can say about it. They can’t say it’s a good film, a funny film, or even a film. All they can say is it’s animation. That’s pretty bad. Because someone at Universal foolishly thought this film would be a hit… they did a video game tie-in for the Super Nintendo. Now, this film was based on the stand-up comedy of Robin Harris… which he based on real life events. So, let me get this straight. I’m reviewing a game… based on a movie… based on a stand-up… based on some woman’s annoying kids? Well! If that’s not the set up for the best damn video game in the world, I don’t know what is! Let’s review this fucker! Yea… As you can tell, it’s been a while since I used this. Alright. Bebe’s Kids. Here we go. So, it starts off with you entering the theme park “Fun World”. Well… If you got to put the word “Fun” in the title, chances are it’s not going to be that enjoyable. Now you can either be a boy or a girl, and I’m going to choose the boy. So, you start off in the amusement park… and the first thing you notice is the sign behind you. “NO VIbES”
“NO VIbES” Oh boy, we’re in trouble. *sigh* Not only does this not make any sense… but you notice that all the letters are capitalized except for the letter “B?” Why the fuck is that? Wait a minute. I just realized something. In fact, it has all the same letters! “VIbES” is actually an anagram for “bEVIS”. So much so, that they don’t even capitalize the “b” when they rewrite it! And the pattern is always 1 “VIbES” and 2 “bEVIS”, …never 1 “bEVIS” and 2 VIbES.” So, if “VIbES” is an anagram for “bEVIS…” “bEVIS” is an anagram for “VIbES…” and they always come to the order 1, 2, 1, 2… that means… *suspenseful music* Absolutely NOTHING! I just wasted five minutes on this game, and I haven’t even pushed a button yet! Alright. So you’re walking through this amusement park, though it isn’t really as much walking, as it is swimming through air, and you come across these people in costumes. They don’t seem to be bothering me, so I just decide to move on. Oh! Well… The screen won’t let me leave. Ok. So I guess I have to beat these guys up. Ok. That’s kind of cool. You get to hit people in the crotch? Maybe this game won’t be so bad after all. Yea! Take that you mousy nads! Oh my God! I will never get tired of this! Oh my God… I am so tired of this! These characters take forever to kill! And they move around so much that they’re hard even to hit! Wait. His head fell off! Ok, That must mean I’m close, right? Thank God! I don’t think I could’ve taken much more of this! Oh my God!!! I can’t take much more of this! Ok, alright, I got one in the corner now. This ought to make things go faster. Come on! Die!!! Die, god damn it!!! Die!!! Oh, thank god! Now I have to get this asshole, right? God, I hope he goes down a lot faster than the other guy. Oh, sweet buttery JESUS! This is like a test in psychological torture! Just DIE! DIE! DIE!!! (x8) HA HA!!! I beat him! I actually beat him! THERE IS A GO-… A time limit? There’s a time limit? I can eat my way through a WALL, Faster than I can defeat these assholes! And there’s a TIME… LIMIT!!!??? All right. So, in case you missed it… It took me a total of 35 hits to take down just one of these guys! 35 hits! Why are you even trying to hit them? They’re barely touching you! All they do is stand there and act like they’re posing for GQ or something. Ok. Let’s try this again. Maybe there’s something I’m missing. I’ll be the girl this time… maybe she’s a little faster. Oh, wha-? She’s the exact same speed! In fact… I think she might even be a little slower! You bag of ass! Wait a minute. What’s that? It’s a baseball! Good God, there’s actually weapons in this game! Ok. So, pick up the baseball… Good… And… Throw it! And… Throw it! THROW IT, YOU BITCH! Oh my god!!! How do you throw this thing? It’s not A, B, X, Y… It’s not even L or R! Will Select work? No! So, what the fuck do I do? What, am I supposed to just look at it? JESUS CHRIST! SOMEBODY HELP ME OUT! Wha-? What was that? What was that?! How the fuck did I do that?! Wha- wha- wha-? Is it A and B? No! Is it X and Y? No! L and R? No! Oh, come on! There’s not that many button combinations left! Wait a minute. There it is. There it is! I got it! I finally got it! Ok. So, what’s the combo? L and Y? Are you shitting me? Who ever heard of a special move that was just L and Y? I mean, what’s the point? Why not just replace it with the kicking button? I mean, that’s totally useless! Well, fuck it. Let’s just see how much damage I can do with this thing. Oh, you got to be kidding me. 3 hits? I could have killed these guys the whole time with just 3 HITS!? This game is a bucket of balls! Now I know what you’re thinking. Couldn’t I technically have checked the instruction book for that? Well, I think they’re giving the people who bought this game a little too much credit. Like, that they can read! Alright. So, what’s the throwing combo? L and B. Well, B’s the jumping button. So, that’s already confusing. But, let’s see if I can knock them out faster. Come here you little fuck bunnies! Come here!! Finally… So how many hits does it take to kill them with a weapon? Three. The exact same amount if you just uppercut them. Well, then what the fuck’s the point of having a weapon then? I don’t know. Who gives a shit. Let’s just move on to the next level. “House of Glass”. Ok, so this should be at least a little bit of fun. Alright. So, there’s a baby dropping some glasses and a guy catching them at the bottom. Ok, well, good luck with that. I’m going to see where the real adventure is. I can’t leave the screen. Great. So, I guess this IS the adventure part. What a fucking load. Alright. So, do I catch these things too? No… They hurt you. So, you want to stay away from them. Do I stop this guy? Well, I can’t seem to. So, that’s not it. Do I stop the baby? Well, I can’t reach him or climb up the shelves. So what the fuck do I do? Oh… You break the glass? Well, how the fuck am I supposed to figure that out? Oh great. Now I’m out of time. I really hate that fucking timer. So, I guess I have to start over and break the glass again. Right? WHAT?! They start me all the way back to the beginning of the fucking game!!?? SON OF A BITCH!!! Ok. So, I got to go through all this shit again and make it to the glass shop. By the way, that’s just incredible music isn’t it? I mean, fuck the Mario games and Legend of Zelda for having actual themes and melodies. All you need is five notes repeated over, and over, and over. Fucking ingenious. Ok, here I am again. And in case you missed it, you have to somehow break the glass without actually touching it. This is sounding like a goddamn Zen riddle. I should also point out that you can only punch once while in the air. So, why is the baby dropping more than one glass at a time? It’s not like you can hit it. God, fuck it. Let’s just get this over with. Alright. So, I finally beat the glass level. What’s next? HOLY HELL!!! It’s the exact same level again!!?? NNNNEEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRDDD!!!! Ok. So, you go through all this bullshit again… Back off, you little dick cheese! and you get to the next level. Which is… a haunted house. FFFFFFFun… Here you have to battle mummies, damn annoying bats, and pictures that blow smoke rings at you. Why? I don’t know. I stopped bringing logic into this long ago. So, not only is this place filled with creepy ghouls and goblins… but it’s also a fucking maze! Oh, That’s just great. So, you have to go in and out of these doors in order to get your way out of the house. But this is damn near impossible seeing how every single room looks exactly the same! How am I supposed to remember which room I’ve been in? There’s one part where you’re pretty much trapped in this room and you have to find a way out. There’s this black thing here. I guess it’s supposed to be a mirror. Can I do something here? Didn’t seem to do anything… There’s this weird animated picture of what looks like Spiderman swinging by. Am I supposed to catch a ride with him? Please, Spiderman! Get me out of this hellhole! What am I supposed to do? The clock is ticking and I have no idea what to do! Do you want me to read a book? Will that make you happy you little- How the fuck am I supposed to fig- Never mind! Let’s just get the hell out of here! Well, wait a minute… How come sometimes when I go through a bookcase I end up in a different room than I did before? Well, apparently, going to the left side of the bookcase drops you off in one room… and going to the right side of the bookcase drops you off in another. THAT’S… JUST… IM- POSSIBLE!!! I MEAN, THINK ABOUT IT!!! If a bookcase opens up, it spins around in a circle. So, that means that there can only be one room! Because if there’s a wall separating the two rooms, the bookcase wouldn’t open! So how can it lead to two separate rooms? It can’t, Bebe’s Kids! It just… CAN’T!!! Apparently, there’s this weird dildo thing at the top of the screen that slowly changes to red the closer you get to the exit. But so far it’s just been blue because I have no idea how to get out of this place. God, how am I supposed to get out of here? Every room looks exactly the same! *frustrated sigh* Uh… Still blue. Still blue… Wait a minute! It’s changing! It’s changing color! Alright! Let me try over here! Aw! Blue, damn it! And I can’t go back in this fucking door! Let me try it again! Blue… Blue…! *gasp* It’s changing! It’s changing!! There it goes! It’s getting darker! Oh my god! It’s almost red! I KNEW IT! I knew I could do it! I KNEW I COULD PULL IT O- THIS IS THE WORST GAME I HAVE EVERY PLAYED IN MY ENTIRE LIFE! IT SUCKS ASS! IT SUCKS BALLS! IT JUST… SUCKS! Well… If you think this is going to get rid of me Angry Video Game Nerd, you are much mistaken. Sure, I will need years of psychological therapy to recover from this, but that doesn’t mean you’ve heard the last of me! All I can say, Angry Video Game nerd, is… Fuck this game! And fuck you for making me play it! -He’s the Angry Video Game… OH, SHUT UP! -Critic.