How To Choose A Partner Wisely

How To Choose A Partner Wisely

How do we choose
the people we fall in love with? In the modern world, under the ideology of ‘Romanticism’ you’re meant above all,
to Trust Your Feelings! Love is a mutual ecstasy at finding a beautiful person, inside and out, with the rare capacity, to make us happy. The romantic attitude sounds warm and kind. It’s originators certainly imagined that it would bring
to an end the sort of unhappy relationships that resulted from the
old ways of finding a partner; the arranged marriage! The only problem is that this call
for us to trust our instincts has very often proved to be
a disaster of its own. Respecting the special feelings
we get around certain people in night-clubs, or train stations;
at parties or on websites and that romanticism so
ably celebrated an art appears not to have led us to be
any happier in our unions The Medieval couple shackled into marriage
by two royal courts keen to preserve the sovereignty
of a slice of ancestral land. Instinct has been little
better than calculation in underwriting the quality
of our love stories. There’s another school of thought: this one influenced by psychotherapy which challenges the notion
that trusting instinct invariably draws us to those
who will make us happy. That’s because the theory points out that we don’t fail in love
first and foremost with those who care for us in ideal ways We fall in love with those who care for
us in familiar ways. And there might be, a big difference. Adult love is modeled on a template of love created in childhood. And is likely to
be entwined with a range of problematic attractions that militate in key ways against our chances of growth
and happiness, as adults. We may believe we are seeking
happiness in love but what we are really after is familiarity We’re looking to recreate
within our adult relationships the very feelings we knew
so well in childhood And which were rarely limited
to just tenderness and care. The love many of us
would’ve tasted early on was confused with other perhaps
more destructive dynamics Feelings of wanting to help an
adult who is out of control or of being deprived of a parent’s warmth. Or scared of his/her anger or of not feeling secure enough to
communicate our trickier wishes How logical then, that we
should as adults find ourselves rejecting certain candidates not because they’re wrong for us but because they’re a little too right In a sense of seeming somehow
excessively balanced, mature, understanding and reliable given that in our hearts such
rightness feels foreign and unearned To choose our partners wisely, we need to tease out how certain
compulsions to suffering may be playing themselves out
in our feelings of attraction. A useful starting place is to ask ourselves perhaps in the company of a large sheet
of paper, a pen and a free afternoon what sort of people in the abstract
put us off and what kinds excite us. To try to trace back qualities to the
people who first loves us in childhood and to ask ourselves how
much our impulses really are aligned with things
that might make us happy We could stand to discover for example
that slightly distant and sadistic people do always more interesting to us than the so-called ‘nice’ ones. That should make us stop and think. Our honestly described
reactions are legacies They are revealing underlying
assumptions we’ve acquired that what love for us can feel like. We may start to get a clearer picture that our vision of what we’re
looking for in another person might not be in a specially good guide to our personal happiness. Examining our emotional histories we learn that we can’t just
be attracted to anyone we’re limited in the types we have because of certain things that
happened to us in our past. Even if we can’t always
radically shift these pattern it’s useful to know that we’re
carrying a ball and chain It can make us more careful of ourselves when we feel overwhelmed by a
certainty that we’ve met the one after just a few minutes
chatting at the bar. Or when we’re certain someone
is just brawn or boring even though objectively, they
do have a lot going for them. Ultimately, we stand to be liberated to
love different people to our initial types, when we find that
the qualities we like and the ones we very much fear can be found in different constellations from those we encountered in the people
who first thought us about affection long ago, in a childhood we should strive to understand and in many ways, free ourselves from.

Comments (100)

  1. what if you don't want to replicate your childhood? does it happen anyway?

  2. I think the idea that we try to find "familiarity" in relationship makes sense to me bcz I find funny male most attractive, and my dad is a very funny person.

    And I also find friends who are caring very attractive (in a platonic way) which I think is bcz my mom is super (or even over-) caring.

    It's funny cuz my dad is far from a good father (he cheated on my mom and so divorced) but I find humor really crucial for me. And my mom aint the perfect mom cuz she is a helicopter parent (which is why I left home and am living alone) – and I find this trait of my mom attractive when it is what my friends do!!!!

    Familiarity theory makes sense eh

  3. He should be strong where I'm weak and I should be strong where he is weak. We should need each other and get stronger together, instead of him just feeling familiar. Plus love romantically. Plus want to start a family together. Plus have similar values or principles.

  4. Right person in the thumbnail is having a boner

  5. I'm not happy it keeps going back to childhood. Haha.

  6. Can you explain in simple term its really complicated

  7. Just flip a coin.heads or tails!

  8. Thanks to Dr.Kumola for helping me get my wife back, my wife started acting very weird, everything little thing she gets angry and she told me she wanted to move out. She finally moved out and things became hard for me I can't lie. I don't know what to do until I saw an advert of Dr.Kumola and how he helped people. I contacted his email ([email protected]) and told him everything. He assured me I will get her back after the spell. I did all the Prophet told me. My wife came home 2 days later, she said she did not know what got over her, we are back together Thanks to Dr.Kumola for bringing my wife back. Contact his email ([email protected]), he is a great Spell caster.

  9. I agree that I weirdly find familiar guys good for sex but definitely not for marriage / dating

  10. "How Do We Choose The People We Fall In Love With?"

    We don't.

  11. Romance. Not Romanticism!

  12. Simple, If your a woman, doesn’t matter, sue after marriage and pregnancy and your all set. if your a man, don’t

  13. We choose the best lovers, no one marrys the worst fuck of their life.

  14. Oh well maybe you shouldn't allow some people to get divorces….just like some people's marriages and lives were always somebody else's fucking jokes maybe some attorneys with attitude problems and loose lips shouldn't grant divorces for some people I mean you think some people deserved what they got in life cause some people are fucking awful

  15. this got rid of my tummy ache.

  16. He talks way too slowly

  17. Everyone out there who needs his or her Ex Lover should contact him… Email. {{ [email protected] com }}

  18. women are bitches

  19. Im 25 and I cant seem to FULLY comprehend the vid… Fuck…

  20. I chose my partner very wisely. Went down to the dog shelter. Best mate i ever had.

  21. Real/True Love is about Reality whereas “Carnal”/Normalised Love is about “Romance”/”Relativism” and similar Frivolities.

    As such and if true, Real-Love is “Singularly-Natured”/”Innocence” whereas “Romance” is about being [at-least] “Dual-Natured”/Lacking-Innocence [LI]. You know, when LI means The-Ability-to “Engage-With” one’s “Frivolous-Desires”.

    As such, Real-Romance happens after “Marriage”. Marriage, therefore, is NOT about marrying “The-Right-Wrong“ Type but about the maturity in handling”Unforseen-Circumstances”. Of course, it is adantageous to marry-into “Correctness” in the first instance. That of NOT desperately trying-to get into trouble in the first place in order to “Test one’s Maturity”.

    This is why “Marriage” is “The-Test-of-Maturity”. ”Divorce” is allowed because having a “Lifetime” of Testing one’s ImMaturity could be “ One Test Too Many”. It is when “Divorce” is used for “Reversing-Mistakes” that “Divorce” becomes “A Bad Taste In The Mouth”, something “The Religiosity of Blindness” will NOT “Agree-To-At-Any-Cost”. For obvious reasons. You know, to promoting “Sexiness”/”InFidelity”, aka Fear-Greed, to Running-Amok. The-Moment when InSanity is able-to “Own”/”Sell” Sanity. That of Justifying-InSanity.

    It is benevolent to be Conscious & Aware that Human-Life is relatively short and that no matter how one’s “Forever” is acccounted-for, ALL, “Born”, have to, “Die”. The reason why some 80-year-old “woman” should NOT behave like a 20-year-old.

  22. ATTENTION Men and women. As a prerequisite, you must NEVER choose a partner who is:
    -Smokes cigarettes, weed, or does any hard drugs
    -Has excessive tattoos (one or two small ones are OK, but no more)
    -Gets drunk on a weekday
    -A single parent (widows are OK)
    -Dresses very sexually or has a reputation for promiscuity
    There! You just weeded out the bottom 75% of the opposite sex without even having to talk to them once. If you avoid people who engage in the above, there's a good chance your partner will be mentally stable and a good parent if you decide to have children with them.

  23. Just stay away from pushy narcisists and you'll be alright

  24. Searching for the partner it takes and patient.

  25. Basically, this video is talking about Nurture during our birth through childhood. If we come from a bad family (50% of Americans divorce), we would most likely choose bad partners for relationships and marriage. Thus these people are doomed to repeat and suffer by listening to what they want when what they want is wrong for them. Also a child from a divorce family has the highest chance of having a divorce themselves. The same is true for a child from an abusive family.

  26. It looks like two men hugging each other in the thumbnail.

  27. She don’t want to be saved, don’t save her

  28. Yet as I tend to choose the one that is nice to me, later I always found out they're just doing it to be polite and they'll basically be nice to everyone else. Same thing as the "bad boys" are also bad to everyone else.
    So I guess there's no special one for me I'll just stay single and out of the troubles. ¯(°_o)/¯

  29. It's really easy when you think about it. Never marry somebody you can live with. Marry someone you can't live without.

  30. This narrator needs to read everything to me, his voice is asmr

  31. You need to ask your partner: what’ll you do if there comes a day when I loose my way? They should respond: I’ll STAY by you. PRAY for you. If it would help I’D EVEN DIE FOR YOU.

    So many people are fickle and would not do these big things.

  32. What the fuck are you taking about!?!?!?!?!

  33. Some of you seem in denial about the truth expressed in this video.

  34. PS4 sounds better.

  35. well… if we can develop such a mentality to be in a relationship with anyone, be it a boring, ugly or unfamiliar one, then why homosexuals cant chose the opposite sex to love? What is stopping them?

  36. that makes a lot of sense. But eventually you cannot force yourself to love someone just because they are good for you. It seems like to only solution is to unlearn everything about love you learned from childhood and give the good love another chance. Easier said than done.


  38. So let me guess this straight… I’m rejecting people because they’re ‘too right’ for me? I’m rejecting people because their love is ‘foreign and undeserved’? You’ve got to be kidding me! This is just another video made by people who’ve spent their lives being overlooked and rejected and are looking for ways to get those same type of people who would have rejected them to give others a chance. Being stable, mature, and balanced doesn’t make you attractive. Those are very important qualities to have in a relationship but this video, like so many others on this channel, aims to discount physical attraction and exchange it for stable emotional attraction. THE TWO ARE NOT MUTUALLY EXCLUSIVE IN A RELATIONSHIP AND ARE NOT CAUSALLY RELATED EITHER.

  39. There is a sentence describe life very well “Don't run after what you desire , life will bring you what you desire “ .

  40. a lot of arranged marriages are great because parents can tell who would be a dependable long term partner rather than a short term fling or flaky loser. women tend to choose poorly because of hormones and wanting to hop on the bad boys dick only to end up as a single mother xD

  41. Release yourself of the past and stay open minded!! That's the best thing I ever did

  42. lately my wife stay glued to her phone, she doesn't give me attentions like she used to, I kept thinking if I've became ugly already, but the answer was and still NO. During my search, i found a post when a lady was showering praises on a man called TONY who helped her out, quickly I jumped on the way to contact him and it was through his gmail [email protected] OR WhatsApp +1 330-271-6380. I was shook and overwhelmed that I could read her texts, see pictures, emails and all that after he completed my job. I am pleased to tell you people about him.

  43. lately my wife stay glued to her phone, she doesn't give me attentions like she used to, I kept thinking if I've became ugly already, but the answer was and still NO. During my search, i found a post when a lady was showering praises on a man called TONY who helped her out, quickly I jumped on the way to contact him and it was through his gmail [email protected] OR WhatsApp +1 330-271-6380. I was shook and overwhelmed that I could read her texts, see pictures, emails and all that after he completed my job. I am pleased to tell you people about him.

  44. How to choose a partner wisely? First of all choose to be happy with your self. The best choice I ever made is to love me! and I'm still working on it

  45. I never understand this guy and keep I coming back

  46. It's my experience that youthful relationships are usually very different from our parents ( rebellion, individuation and all that).The people we choose as mature adults are often much more similar to our upbringing. Dr. Plomin would say that's genetics kicking in.

  47. That was so funny! The dad slouched in the armchair with bottles everywhere hit a nerve.

  48. Here are the rules for dating with me:

    1. If you’re single mother, you’re out.
    2. If you’re divorced once or more, you’re out.
    3. If your husband died/being widow, you’re out.
    4. If you’re diagnosed with stds (especially AIDS), you’re out.
    5. If you don’t wear skirts, you’re out.
    6. Finally, your first language cannot be English.

  49. Suddenly the idea of arranged marriage doesn't seem so bad

  50. Being in a relationship is for people that like to argue. I don't like to argue . This is why I'm not interested in relationships or any dealings with the females. I know I'm imperfect. I don't need someone to remind me for the rest of my life.

  51. Is this seriously defending the ‘nice guy’ myth?

  52. So old fashioned nonsense..not familiar only repeats the same old dark loup… horizons give us more chance to survive as a is making people chose co-depended relationships..mist people here in holland don't leave their street and screw all in their group in school time..familiar and stay there go on holiday together forever..sticky crappy people..incestious..they all do and look the same..

  53. This video speaks forever, and says goddamn nothing

  54. The comments section has much more better advice than this dam sh!tty video

  55. I remember a buddy of mine told me earlier this year,
    "It's your job to make your significant other happier — not happy, but happier. They should already be happy before they get into the relationship; it isn't fair to you that you be their source of happiness."

  56. A person who makes you comfortable and act yourself.

  57. Bro , I wasn't ready for this

  58. this video just read me to filth

  59. Me: Has crush on aro-ace best friend

    Also me: Watches relationship/romance videos hopelessly

  60. Now, two years later and never more relevant, I wish I could like this video again

  61. Understand our childhood and free ourselves from it

  62. been long time since i am on internet ,till now i never meet someone to be a partner,i easily got discourage everytime i face them on IMO or Whatsapp,usually they are enjoying playing themselves ,i simply blocked them like so frustrations ,maybe my fate isnt on online or no more lol

  63. Don't let your bad experience childhood affect your love decision unless you want to end up having the same type of your parents' relationship. Someone don't even realize they have attached trouble makers partner into their life. Good luck for that?

  64. This is the stuff you don't learn in school! 🙂

  65. This is to suggest that negative parenting is a given… Overly simplified process that does not take into account a shared vision. You will always have conflict with whoever you marry.

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  67. "Learning more on how to love each other unconditionally will get your relationship grow a Strength And Wisdom"
    Theres No Such thing as foresight on whos the right or wrong person, its your choice to be able grasp on becoming more wiser together.

  68. ?*00212645752301* *whatapps*?
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    وأبـغـى أبـشـركـم? أنــي حـصـلـت عـلـى مـعـلـومـات مـفـيـدة✅ هــتــنــفــعــكــم كــثــيــر ومــجــربــهــا شــخــصــيــا ونــفــعــتــنــي??
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  69. Every man grows up to marry his own mother – Eminem

  70. this does make some sense ………

  71. Yes, we don't fall in love with those who really care for us. That is why the divorce rate is so high! I have a guy friend whom i don't live, but i'll be jealous of his partner, because he is a nice person.
    And one of my female friend told to me once: "there are enough sadists out there for every mazochist". I know now what she meant.

  72. This truth really gets to me. Thank you so much ❤

  73. Given this theory, historical analysis can predict each person instinct.

    What machine learning would model this nicely, LSTM? Anyone?

  74. This is so horrible, you dont CHOOSE a partner. Love is NOT a desicion. Someday you´ll cross ways with someone and get to know them and without even realizing it as it happens, you^ll build a connection that^s different from anything else. And by the day you realize you love them, you already know : this is the person I want and need to spend the rest of my life with. You^ll just know. If you deliberately choose someone who you think is the right fit for you, even if you try it in a philosophical way whatsover, then it will perhaps go well, but it won^t be THAT kind of love, the love that touches your soul and changes it forever. Idk if that sounds too romantic, but I^m speakin of something the human kind still doesnt quiet understand : Love. I believe that most people Never experience the full potential of actual love, they get used to someone and attached and then call it love.

  75. I knew my husband and his siblings for ten years before our whirlwind relationship and thought I had my himvetted but I disregarded the advice of those who did not like him. Loyalty is one of my strengths/weaknesses. Turns out, before we left the church on our wedding day, I began to be allowed to see what they were talking about. My bad. Should have waited longer than six months to marry him. Only thought I knew him.

  76. What is this video trying to say ??

  77. “It’s useful to know we’re carrying a ball and chain.” ?

  78. 2:51 can anyone explain this quote pls. I've been thinking about it but I never figured it out

  79. This hits the nail on the head for me. I've picked partners who are like my personality disordered parents and avoided the ones who would've been good picks. It's a little late; hope I can change this pattern.

  80. I didn’t get this at alllll

  81. I don't think it's wrong to trust our instincts. I think society, culture, and sometimes our own upbringings often teach us to IGNORE our instincts, and instead listen to the conditioning, ideas, and opinions of others…Instead of being guided by ourselves and what we know is healthy for us. It's very, very hard to filter out the noise, but that's always been the case in life, and sometimes something you have to actively work on learning as an adult. As a person who has been in therapy for over a year for this exact kind of thing, I speak from experience. I, too, used to trust an "instinct". It wasn't wrong, it just wasn't MY instincts and MY voice.

  82. For me I follow these steps:
    1) I go out
    2) Ask woman for boom boom
    3) if yes I go boom boom her, if no (repeat from step 1)

  83. 0:57 is setting supposed to be like "Facade" ?? ?

  84. DON'T DATE.
    It doesn't go anywhere good and won't end well.
    The only winning move is not to play.

  85. yes, but. idiot's never. liked. me '

  86. Spelt "Instinct" wrong ☹️

  87. I'm looking for a very handsome guy…. I don't know why but my dad isn't the good looking! But in our family, we love being with handsome and beautiful people

  88. Whish i could choose wisely.

  89. as if there were a ton of options =DD

  90. Choosing a partner is like having friends or family and crapping your pants the best days of your life are behind you they never liked your partners anyways….dont you believe in arranged marriages….not really….I was married once things werent going so good when we got married things just changed….I think you are setting yourself up for dissappointment getting married rarely is it supportive or even a partnership

  91. Crazy. These last days I've been elaborating a list of women I met throughout my life, including recent experimentation with several women. All the way from my grandmother to the last woman I crushed on, and listed the characteristics of the ones that are good for my emotional health and the ones that are bad. I feel my depression and anxiety is evaporating and I have energy to start doing things again, surrounding myself by women that bring me health and kicking away those who don't.

  92. This is arguably the one of the hardest things in life to navigate and causes me anger, anxiety, frustration, negativity, rage and aggression. FUCK can't it just be like in the days of our parents where they knew a hand full of people and they instantly fell in love and things worked (not perfectly obviously) themselves out…

  93. I feel like 98% of this would be figured out pretty easily if you just date.

    Learn how your partners are and figure out the big difference between what women/men usually want and are searching for, and what the individual person you are doing wants. Once you get a good feel for that difference, make sure you're the type of person you need to be for the other you want, trying to fulfill those mostly desired traits that the opposite/same sex is looking for, and then find the partner that you have that emotional connection with. You'll be certain to puzzle piece right in. ^^ a bit of astrology always helps too.

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