Welcome to the Wonderful World of Table Tennis!

Hello everybody, and welcome to this ITTF
special report, in which we’ll meet a few members of our wonderful worldwide table tennis
community. Hi. I’m a table tennis professional. I get
free rubbers from equipment manufacturers that are freshly tuned straight from the factory.
The booster effect wears off after a while, so I change my rubbers every week.
That’s fabulous! Can ordinary table tennis players buy these rubbers?
Sure. Unless it is the mystical Hurricane 3 national team version rubbers. Only people
who know the secret handshake can get them. What’s the secret handshake?
I don’t know. I’ve never been able to figure it out, nobody shakes hands after table tennis
matches anymore, they just do this slap thing instead. Hi, I’m an amateur table tennis player. I pay $80 for a sheet of Tenergy. Most of the booster effect wears off after a few days, so after that I’m kind of screwed. What should
I do? Buy a new set of rubbers of course! How else
are our manufacturers going to be able to give the pro players all those free rubbers
to use? Hi. I’m a table tennis professional. I apply
boosters like Haifu oil which can’t be detected, so I get a great booster effect. But sometimes
this makes my rubbers too thick. Can you help? Sure thing! Did you know that you can hollow
out your table tennis blade so that when your rubber expands over the 4mm limit, it won’t
get disqualified for being too thick? Wow, what a great idea! Thanks ITTF!
No problem TT Pro! We’re here to look after you! Hi, I’m an amateur table tennis player. I buy cheap table tennis rubbers, and I also
apply boosters like Haifu oil which can’t be detected, so I get a great booster effect.
Boo. You are a horrible cheat! Shame on you! Shame! Shame!
But I’ve been speed gluing since the 1980’s as a cheap way to get good performance from
my rubbers. What am I supposed to do now? Buy expensive $80 Tensor rubbers of course!
But I can get a better effect from a cheap sheet of Sriver and some speed glue. Why do
I have to pay that much? Because speed glue is full of nasty dangerous
VOC’s. Here at the ITTF we want to protect your health, so we decided that you are not
allowed to use speed glue. Buy new $80 Tensor rubber instead.
What the heck? Are you my mother or something? Anyway, what about VOC free speed glue? Why
can’t I just use that? Because that’s also a health risk.
But it’s VOC free? How can it be dangerous to my health?
Not to YOUR health dummy! To the financial health of equipment manufacturers and the
ITTF! You don’t think they pay us all those expensive licencing fees just for fun, do
you? Stop being so selfish and think about other people for a change!
Screw you. I’m going to keep using my speed glue, and what are you going to do about it?
You won’t get away with this! Hey, Mr table tennis referee. Come over here! What’s up? I want you to catch all those players who
are illegally gluing and boosting their rubbers! OK, sure thing. How do I do that?
Well, you can use this $400 ENEZ machine. There’s just one small problem.
What is that? It can’t detect all the illegal glues and
boosters. Oh, darn. What else you got?
Well, there’s this $3000 MiniRAE-Lite machine that is much more sensitive.
$3000? You gotta be kidding me! You get a free set of steak knives too! There’s just one itty bitty problem. It doesn’t detect all the illegal boosters
and tuners either. So basically it is a $3 000 doorstop.
What else you got? Hey! Is that Jan-Ove Waldner over there? Gotta
go! Hi, I’m an up and coming table tennis junior.
I want to become a professional table tennis player and play for my country. But I think
I’m playing against opponents using boosted rubbers. Should I boost my rubbers too?
That’s a very good question. I’m sure we’ll have an answer in the next 20 years or so.
20 years? I’ll be retired by then! Why do you need so long?
Well, we’ve been working on the hidden service rule for about that long, and we still haven’t
been able to fix that yet. Come here Mr ITTF official. This is for inventing
rules that can’t be enforced to solve problems that don’t exist. And speaking of problems that don’t exist,
how is that worldwide celluloid shortage going! Plastic balls my ass! Here’s what you can
do with your plastic balls…

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